Sugar Shack: Breakfast of champions

Whether breakfast is the most important meal or not, Sugar Shack’s food has been known to grow hair back thicker and darker compared to competing brands. Just spray it on, and you’ll have a natural looking winter coat. Shake well, buy a Porsche, and don’t forget to send your wife some flowers, because everything you know is about to change.

Next to wearing cargo shorts, Sugar Shack is the surest way to achieve a successful life. Be your own boss; set your own hours. Your marriage in shambles? Sugar Shack. Just broke your leg? Heal it right up with a full plate of hashies. Trust me: if you want to grow up to be a gun-wielding Walmart regular, a hearty morning plate of french toast is all you need.

Everyone I know who has eaten here can agree: Sugar Shack is by far one of the better spots in downtown Huntington Beach. Maybe the best. And it’s not just the superiority of the food, or the generous helpings of steamy, thick hollandaise. Sit on the main street side (as opposed to the back patio), and you’ll get one hell of a show.

For first-timers, watching tourists shuffle by can be a shocking and eye-opening experience, like peering at a nightmarish zoo exhibit. You might think you’ve seen it all, but here you’ll observe some of God’s most grotesque creatures, flocking in from all corners of San Bernardino and Riverside counties. It’s like a real life Crazy Town music video. They will be shirtless, and they will be unruly—but that’s exactly as Mother Nature intended.

I was fortunate enough to witness their queen bee outside of her natural habitat, sitting among us common folk at the next table over. Her name? Malleable Melanie, Goddess of the Botox Bimbos. It’s not everyday you get to dine in the presence of royalty, but there she was: radiant and bellowing. My ex-husband this, my ex-husband that. It was a once-in-a-liftime show. Just make sure you don’t make eye contact.

The best part? She had the appearance of pizza dough that was stretched too thin. In other words, it was like seeing your grandma at the tanning salon. One look and you turn to stone. I looked, and I’ve had stone between my legs ever since. I just don’t know if it was due to the good food or horrific scenery.

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