Sidecar Doughnuts: Does a body good

Before you flail to your doom in financial quicksand, drop the arugula salad and listen up: Despite what big tobacco wants you to think, you don’t get big and strong by chugging old vitamins and paying your taxes. The only way to build the same leathery pecs as Ric Flair, you must live your life according to the code established by Oscar winning actor Guy Fieri: Stuff your face with as many donuts as possible.

Have one with lunch, with dinner, before you go to sleep. Wake up early and get a quick dozen. Going to the gym? Eat a few between sets. Watching the big game with your friends? Donuts. Just showered? Donuts. Feeling sick? Donuts.

From an early age you’ll be told two things by your parents: Don’t wear the same underwear on consecutive days, and skip the sweets. Let me tell you, they can stamp out our imaginations but they’re not going to suppress our appetites. That’s the last straw. (Sorry, I have been reading inspirational William Wallace quotes all morning.)

As you can tell from his platinum blond goat, Fieri’s lifestyle—we’ll just call him Guy—goes against everything we’re taught in school; he clearly isn’t afraid to give into life’s more savory and sensual desires. The man didn’t become the culinary world’s equivalent to Justin Bieber by following the Hodgkins diet. Excuse me, I meant the Clay Aikin’s diet.

It’s always good to have a positive role model in your life and now that Jared Fogle is off the market, it’s time we start focusing our attention on a new deity. Papa Guy is that man. If you wind up following the principles of Guy’s Guide to Gratification©—and I sincerely urge that you do—you’ll be living the life you want in no time.

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