In-N-Out: Purify your soul with a double-double

It’s been a while, so I thought we’d begin 2019 with something easy. This is the kind of place you can take the family after a long day at the DMV. Just have a seat in one of those back-breaking plastic booths and relax, take a load off. You deserve it.

Don’t feel like getting out of your car? Visiting the drive-thru has the same healing properties as going inside. I know it sounds like voodoo, but try it sometime and tell me it doesn’t refresh your mind and body. It’s akin to watching an episode of Kardashians.

Even without mentioning this establishment’s name, you already know what it is by looking at the burger above: that familiar red tray, that oozing cheese, the freshly grilled meat patties. It has become an institution here in Southern California, a place of worship people go when in need of a proper cleanse. You can only be subjected to so much Wienerschnitzel before the organs begin to clog.

Whatever physical or mental ailments you suffer from, a double-double can clear them right up. And if you’re really feeling down in the dumps—maybe your pediatrician said your cholesterol is too high—make sure to tip your waiter and order off the secret menu. One bite and you’ll feel like new. If you’re really lucky, you might even become as healthy as The Don himself. I went there for breakfast this morning and I’m pretty sure I’m fit to compete in the Rio Olympics.

I hope this sermon provided you with what you’ve been looking for. I know as well as anyone how easy it is to be tempted by the salacious fast food devil, to contemplate life as I helplessly thrust Ronald McDonald’s nuggets into my mouth. Trust me, it’s not a happy place to be.

Confess and order a number one animal style. Your salvation is at stake.